Let me start by saying love is a powerful word with many dimensions, capable of bringing joy and pain into our lives. Each one of us has a personal definition of what love is and feels like for ourselves. Survivors of narcissistic relationships often find themselves grappling with the question: Did the narcissist ever truly love me?
Understanding love from a narcissist’s point of view is highly confusing, and is as clear as mud without professional help. In this emotional blog post, we will explore this question and shed light on how narcissists feel and process love.
The Illusion of Love From a Narcissist
Narcissists are masters at creating illusions, and their love is no exception. In many cases the relationship beginning was full of all of the romance, fairytale, star-crossed lovers connecting for a once-in-a-lifetime meeting. You probably felt chosen. It was as if you were finally seen by someone who truly gets you.
If the relationship or connection now was based on a struggle love perspective, you might start rocky with the hopes of eventually getting to a better place in life and the relationship. Struggle love is a term used to describe a relationship between people where one or more is going through hardships such as emotional, and financial difficulties, or additional challenges. In the relationship toxic behaviors are present. In the struggle hope, love, affection, and loyalty are tested.
When the narcissist is your family member you may have never felt completely comfortable or safe with the person. Because of the family connection, you may still have hope the family aspect will bring you closer.
No matter the connection at some point, unfortunately, perceived love is merely another manipulation tool. The “love” becomes a way to control and manipulate you. The love is not grounded in genuine emotions. Instead, love serves the narcissist’s self-serving agenda.
Love as Smoke and Mirrors
Narcissists are profoundly driven by deep-rooted insecurity. Their low self-confidence, fear of accountability, avoidance of shame and a host of other destructive self-defense mechanisms make their ability to love difficult. Narcissists tend to view relationships as mirrors that reflect their greatness. They also see relationships as an opportunity to be seen as acceptable and stable.
Consequently, the love they express is less about you. The love is more about how the narcissist feels. I know this hurts to read. In essence, they love the idea of being loved, not the person themselves. This self-centered viewpoint limits the narcissist’s ability to truly connect with others.
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GET THE DOWNLOADSDeep Emotional Voids of Darkness
While narcissists can feel love to a point, it is often overshadowed by their emotional voids. Narcissists struggle to receive the genuine love you share with them. Due to their feelings of inadequacy, and fear of vulnerability, they have difficulty being loved by others. Because they tend to use love as a manipulation tool, they battle internally with being loved by someone else. It is hard for them to consider someone truly loving them without malice intention.
Narcissists struggle to develop and maintain authentic emotional connections. Their need for constant validation and admiration takes priority over forming genuine bonds. They may appear loving and caring at times. This behavior is contingent upon you fulfilling their insatiable needs. The needs may be emotional, sexual, financial, social, and more. Whatever needs they have must be met more than the quality of your connection.
Love as Control for Narcissists
Narcissists are driven by an unquenchable thirst for power and control. Love becomes yet another weapon in their arsenal. By faking love and affection, they gain leverage over (you) the survivor. The narcissist then mutates. A total shift happens. Their emotions, efforts, and energy to maintain dominance become a priority. They thrive on your dependency and fear. Then they use these emotions to further solidify their control in your life.
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FIND JOYLove Actually
During the narcissistic cycle of abuse in the love bombing stage is where the feeling of love happens. This is where you feel loved, and the narcissists may also feel as if they love you. On a deeper level, this is where the narcissist sees the potential to gain access to their goals or needs being met by you. The love bombing stage is also where the trauma bond can begin for you. The narcissists may feel as if they love you in those moments because they are blinded by their intentions to obtain what they desire. Narcissist behaviors will mimic love, but it is not true and healthy love.
It is helpful for you to consider the intentions and consistency of the person. When people are genuinely invested the commitment level is more consistent. Generally, people who have been love bombed by narcissists will be able to identify sudden or subtle changes after the narcissist has obtained whatever they desired from you.
The Aftermath of Love With a Narcissist
After the love is gone you begin to unravel the complexities of the narcissist love. You question everything. What was real, what happened, who was the narcissist and when did they change? This is where you begin to feel a deep sense of betrayal, grief, hurt, and shame. You will feel many emotions during this time. You can expect to have felt and still feel very confused. Coming to terms with the fact that the love you believed was real was merely an illusion is devastating. It takes courage to fight your way out of the darkness caused by the narcissist.
You must remember the absence of genuine love from the narcissist does not diminish your ability to be loved and loved in return. Healing rests in recognizing your worth. You can reclaim and rebuild your life, free from the narcissists.
Lead With Self-Love
Understanding the narcissist’s capacity to love is a daunting and emotionally confusing experience. As a survivor, your quest for answers often leads to painful revelations about the true nature of the relationship.
As corny as it sounds it is true. Start healing from narcissistic abuse by loving yourself. You can ground your love in genuineness, honesty, respect, trust, accountability, empathy, and additional healthy values. As you continue to break free from suffering you must embark on a journey of self-love and healing. Work to reclaim your life in a way that allows you to grow in clarity, confidence, courage, and closure.
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