Do you think going to counseling with the narcissist will help? I get asked this question a lot. As a professional counselor who has both personal and professional experiences with a narcissist, and narcissism the answer is no.
The next popular question is can counseling “fix it?” Assuming “it”, is the troubled relationship, friendship, marriage, boss, work environment, sibling, church member, parent, or pretty much any scenario you can think of where a narcissist is involved, the answer is still no.
Counseling will not “fix” the narcissist or the relationship. You are probably a little bummed to read this, and probably thinking then what are my options, right? Instead of going to counseling with the narcissist do this instead.
Go to counseling for yourself
It is more supportive to find a great therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and start your healing journey. The hope, want, or need for resolution with the narcissist keeps people stuck in a cycle of narcissistic abuse, trauma bonds tons of manipulation. This might lead to more disappointment, frustration, and a lot of other unsupportive emotions and experiences.
When you initiate counseling the narcissistic person may see it as an opportunity to continue their behaviors. Your willingness to work on the relationship reinforces your commitment to them. They are not committed to you. The narcissist is committed to getting what they want out of the connection to you.
Spend your time focusing on your healing
Many survivors have felt like the time they had with the narcissist was a waste. Sure, they might have gotten some beautiful children out of it but they also got PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, and decreased confidence.
Take the time you need to focus on your healing journey. It’s the painful life lessons we don’t want to learn. Of course, you did not want to have to go (grow) through this to get here but you are here now. Your power is on the other side of this experience. Instead of focusing on the narcissist spend your time focusing on your healing.
Instead of feeling bad about having spent more time than you need the narcissist to know that you did what you could to make the relationship work. Now, it is time to work on yourself.
Save your money
Instead of paying for session after session for the narcissist to not improve save your money. Use that money for your counseling. A lot of times couples counseling is not covered by insurance. Plus, you can save your money for attorney fees, moving into your new place, creating your emergency fund, and any other financial needs.
Validate yourself instead of waiting on the narcissist to do it
There is so much manipulation and gaslighting with a narcissist you begin to doubt yourself. This is another reason why you may struggle with decision-making. You need to practice self-validation. Replace the negative thoughts, and ideas the narcissist has shared with you with what your truth is for you. Live in a way that honors your values. Begin to trust yourself more. Start by making small choices and then gradually build up. Explore what your values are, and live in a way that supports your healing.
Create closure for yourself
One more time for the people in the back. YOU DO NOT NEED THE NARCISSIST FOR CLOSURE. Begin to see the narcissist for who they truly are and not their potential. Letting go of the narcissist does hurt. Although this is painful, as you heal your life becomes more liberating. Seeing the narcissist and the relationship for what it is and not the romanticized rose-colored glasses will help you to reach acceptance.
Acceptance is one of the stages of grief. This does not mean you accept the narcissistic abuse. It means you recognize the narcissist and the connection to the narcissist for what it is, toxic. Giving yourself closure and acceptance does cause grief. Acceptance and closure do mean letting go of the hopes the connection could or would be any different.
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GET THE DOWNLOADSGive yourself time to grieve
Grief is a huge part of the healing process of narcissistic abuse recovery. While cycling through the many stages of grief be gentle with yourself. You may find yourself still in shock. It is common to get stuck in the bargaining stage. For some people, the anger stage rages for a while. The anger connects to the tremendous hurt and betrayal they feel. Others live in depression long after discards, discovery days of affairs and other painful experiences have occurred. Some people struggle in denial staying for longer than they should.
You may find it difficult to let go. This typically increases anxiety, depression, stress, trauma, and other mental and physical concerns. Guilt and shame keep some survivors trapped. No matter where you are in your healing journey be kind to yourself.
Go no contact with the narcissist
Many people struggle with going no contact. Having hope the narcissist will change will keep you stuck. Maintaining no contact is still one of the most supportive ways to heal. Making this change prevents you from remaining in situations that do not support you.
When you continue to engage with the narcissist you leave yourself more open and vulnerable to hurt, harm, and danger. the cycle of narcissistic abuse continues. the trauma bond is strengthened.
If you are unable to go no contact use a low contain method. This means keeping the contact to a minimum. Consider engaging out of necessity, or emergency. Gauge the level of importance before you decide to interact with the narcissist.
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FIND JOYIf you are still thinking about going to counseling with the narcissist (do not leave without reading this)
Going to counseling, in general, is a transformative experience. Going to counseling with a narcissist is not always the best option. When the narcissist agrees to counsel it is a performative act. The narcissist does this to further manipulate you into believing they are attempting to change. Be aware some narcissists will also use counseling to learn better ways to manipulate.
Because many narcissists struggle with vulnerability, avoidance of shame, and low self-esteem, low confidence the session(s) may not be productive. Lots of manipulation, deflection, avoidance of shame, and not taking ownership and responsibility along with many other tactics tend to happen in sessions.
If after all of this information, you are still considering engaging in counseling on any level with a narcissist it is helpful to work with a therapist that has a healthy understanding of narcissism.
The risk for harm is significantly increased when you work with a counselor who does not understand narcissism. Unknowingly the counselor may validate the narcissist and invalidate you. Also, it is possible for the counselor to be manipulated by the narcissist and then you are double gaslit. Whenever you connect with someone personally or professionally who does not understand narcissism the interactions can be upsetting.
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