One relationship with a narcissist is enough to last you a lifetime. After your past experience with a narcissist or a recent experience with one, you might be wondering how do I stop attracting narcissists. The word is still out on if people attract narcissists or if they choose them. To protect yourself better from narcissists let’s shift the focus from not attracting narcissists to not choosing narcissists.
There are several types of narcissists and different forms of manipulation and abuse. Know how to decrease your likelihood of being caught up in the narcissist’s darkness. Seeking companionship, healthy parental relationships and professional connections are all acceptable. Narcissistic abuse and manipulation are not acceptable.
Your kindness and compassion are strengths. The desire to be in connection with others is not wrong. Being able to see the good in another person is a positive action. Your ability to see the potential in a person is not negative. Your being able to consider your needs and best interests is important. Developing a healthy awareness of accessing people’s intentions will help prepare you for narcissists interactions. This post will teach you how to stop choosing narcissists who are attracted to you.
Narcissism is on a spectrum. You may have come in contact with the overt (typical), over-the-top look-at-me type of narcissist generally displayed in movies and television. There is also the sulking, victim, “everything happens to me” type of narcissist who has been done wrong by every person in the world. Although you will notice many similar behaviors between the narcissists that you have read about, watch videos and talked to others about no two narcissists are exactly the same.
A common thread between many types of narcissists is their centralized focus on themselves and their best interests. They focus on the “me first” point of view. This is why it is difficult to talk with a narcissist about any disagreement. Even when they are acting as if they are in your best interest, it is still all about them. Narcissists have a what’s in it for me type of attitude. Remember this when you are dealing with any type of narcissist or toxic individual.
Being connected to a narcissist in any way can cause damaging effects on your mental, emotional, physical, and financial parts of life. Let’s take it a step further. Being connected to a narcissist can cause problems in your job. Poor concentration, inability to focus, and poor work performance can increase when you are dealing with a narcissist. The spiritual part of your life can also struggle due to decreased faith or loss of hope. Some survivors of narcissistic abuse experience social declines. They withdraw from their support system, isolate themselves, and experience loneliness. If you are not careful a narcissist can ruin your entire life.
Practice Self-Awareness
Becoming more self-aware helps protect you from the manipulations of the narcissist. Some are very charming and flattering while others are the victim and sulk. No matter what the narcissist does or says, it is important you remain aware of your best interest at all times. I’m not encouraging you to be selfish. I am encouraging you to be aware of and respect your values and needs. You must stay grounded within yourself. Do not dismiss what is important for you to live a healthy quality life.
Many survivors have felt powerless when dealing with narcissists. When you increase your self-awareness and take meaningful action you make powerful changes for yourself.
Some narcissists target vulnerable people recently broken up, lost someone, have low confidence, are divorced, are lonely, financially in need, or naïve. The opportunity to exploit people interest them. When you are self-aware you are less vulnerable to their manipulations.
Healthy confidence protects you but is not always a surefire way to stop you from attracting narcissists. Some narcissists find confident people to be a challenge. Therefore, they will pursue them more intensely. Exploitation and manipulation can still happen. The narcissist may consider the opportunity as one for improving their status, financial benefits, and exposure. Some narcissists will get with you to improve their image. They want to look as if they are a “good person” based on their connection to the confident person.
Healthy self-awareness helps you to protect yourself from narcissists. It also helps you to practice the additional skills that will be discussed in this post. As you become more aware of your strengths, weaknesses, and opportunities for yourself you can navigate life more healthily.
When the narcissist is attracted to you, you do not have to choose them. Making this change puts you in a position of healthy power and authority in your life.
You can increase your self-awareness by knowing your deal breakers. Recognize and respect your warning signs and triggers. Do not dismiss the triggers. Do not excuse the warning signs. Paying attention to your gut. Become aware of your intuition and investigate your heightened sense of awareness. You do not have to make immediate judgments or actions at all times. Make healthy observations. Note the healthy character traits as well as the unhealthy ones.
Know Your Values and Do Not Compromise
Some narcissists will choose people who they believe will compromise their values for the narcissist. People with poor boundaries are at an increased risk. Survivors with high levels of empathy are also more vulnerable to narcissists. People who are easily swayed by the actions and comments of others are more likely to struggle with narcissists. In many circumstances, a narcissist will choose someone who they feel they can manipulate and control.
When you know your values and you compromise them it encourages the narcissist to go after you. Because they are opportunistic the narcissist will see your kindness, empathy, and vulnerability as an opportunity to exploit you. Do not compromise your values.
Recognize the Narcissist Traits
You do not have to diagnose someone to recognize their unhealthy traits. The information is shared NOT for you to diagnose but to identify toxic behavioral traits and patterns.
Common narcissist traits and characteristics are the following, lacking empathy, being self-focused, being entitled, doing things for show, needing attention/validation, projecting, being envious of others, being exploitative, does things for attention. Recognizing the traits of a narcissist will help you to protect yourself from potentially dangerous and toxic people. Paying attention to their actions and word choices will help you protect yourself. Recognizing the red flags or warning signs of potential threats and danger is important. Do not dismiss or ignore behavior and actions that are not healthy. This is very dangerous. Excusing toxic behaviors and threats increases your risk of harm.
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GET THE DOWNLOADSGo to Counseling
To stop attracting narcissists going to counseling helps. Counselors provide a kind, compassionate perspective who will support you without judgment. In counseling, you will learn more techniques and skills to help you protect yourself from narcissists. Counseling helps you to process your experiences and your emotions. The support and validation received in counseling will empower you.
Choose a counselor you feel comfortable speaking with about your experiences and emotions. Counseling will also help you to not repeat unhealthy relationship patterns. Consider a counselor who has a healthy understanding of narcissistic abuse recovery, grief, and betrayal trauma. In counseling, you will also be able to discuss any other concerns specific to your needs.
Practice Assertiveness
Being assertive is a healthy way to enforce your boundaries. It helps you to prevent narcissists from taking advantage of you. You become less of an easy target when you can be direct. To protect yourself from attracting narcissists use the B.I.F.F. technique created by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. This technique was originally used in high-conflict communication circumstances. B.I.F.F. is a very helpful communication technique for dealing with narcissists and toxic individuals.
Brief
Be brief in your communication with the person. You do not need to have lengthy conversations with the narcissist. Your chances of being manipulated, gaslighted, and confused happen when a conversation runs long with a narcissist. Because they are always looking at what they can get out of a situation when you share a lot of information, they take it all in to use at a later date and time. They do this to gain an advantage not for your best interest.
Informative
Be informative. Share the necessary information and nothing further. You do not need to share every single detail of irrelevant information. In the same way, you are not randomly sharing passwords, and do not share all of your deepest darkest secrets or your highest of hopes with the narcissist.
Friendly
Be friendly. Use a nonconfrontational tone of voice. Be careful when communicating in a friendly manner. This will prevent you from giving the false impression of vulnerability and acceptance of any unhealthy behavior.
Firm
Be firm. When you communicate be direct, and assertive while sharing your information. This includes boundaries, values, standards, and expectations.
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FIND JOYBecome Comfortable Being Yourself
Another way to stop attracting narcissists is to become comfortable with yourself. Being able to acknowledge and appreciate who you are as an individual prevents you from needing the attention and validation of others. When you are comfortable with yourself you hold the power to your contentment, happiness, and peace. Your joy and self-acceptance help you to protect yourself from narcissistic manipulation. Self-awareness paired with self-acceptance creates a healthy level of protection from narcissists. They are less likely to continue to engage with you when they see you are not going to be manipulated or controlled by them.
Create Health Relationships
Healthy relationships begin with respect. They have key elements such as trust, safety, empathy, healthy communication, honesty, and support. Other areas to include in a healthy relationship are healthy compromise, cooperation, acceptance, and accountability. If the relationship has these elements your relationship foundation is strong. When the relationship does not have these parts, it is not healthy.
You must have consistency. Some of the elements, some of the time are not enough.
Building healthy relationships allows you to decrease your likelihood of choosing a narcissist. If you have attracted a narcissist and the relationship does not have the core elements of a healthy relationship it is important to be careful in ending the relationship. Sometimes people become very dangerous. Make sure you take safety precautions when necessary.
Use Your Support System
Having a healthy support system creates safety for yourself. When choosing a partner or connection in general it is healthy to choose people who compliment your values. Having people in your life who add value to your life, and who do not take from the quality of your life is important. Connect with people who respect you. Individuals who have a genuine appreciation not out of personal benefit to them are healthy options to consider. Building healthy, strong connections with people protects you.
Learn From Your Past Relationships
If you have not had healthy relationships in the past explore the difficulties and challenges from those relationships. Learn what you can from those experiences. Do not repeat the patterns. When you evaluate and remain curious about the person who is attracted to you. You can navigate the growth of the relationship more safely. This creates a healthy buffer against the negative effects of narcissists.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Whenever narcissism is discussed, you must explore the importance of boundaries. Setting clear and firm boundaries can detour narcissists. Many narcissists look for people who are willing to compromise. Compromises might look like ignoring your values, hopes, expectations, dreams, and standards. People who are easily manipulated, overly optimistic, spiritually rooted, highly empathetic, and open to giving second chances are on the narcissist radar.
Some narcissists like a challenge. They will try to drain you. When they have broken you down, they rush in and take over your life. This is another reason why having firm boundaries is necessary. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries protects you. Your firm boundaries send a message to potential narcissists that you value yourself and won’t tolerate disrespect.
There are many ways you can work to stop attracting narcissists. Remember even if you cannot help narcissists are attracted to you. You do not have to choose them. Take care of yourself. Protect yourself, and always love yourself.
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