Does the narcissist regret what they did? In your endless pursuit to understand the narcissist, I am willing to bet you have asked this question. More than likely your intentions with the narcissist have not been selfish. This is why it is hard for you to understand how they could be so cruel. When you think about the hurt, betrayal trauma, and grief you have experienced you probably wonder how could they be so heartless.
Regret, a universal human emotion. It has the power to shape our lives, detour, change, prevent our behavior, and increase personal growth. But what happens when regret intersects with the self-centered world of a narcissist? How do they manage and process this complex emotion? Join me as we take a deeper dive into understanding narcissism and regret.
First, narcissists become so focused on whatever their goal is they ignore the consequences. The goal might be sex, money, attention, access, favors, and compliments. Anything they feel is valuable and benefits them is fair game. They operate out of a “what’s in it for me” type of mindset. Their selfishness motivates them. To be frank, YES, they know what they are doing.
When the narcissist tells you they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong, they knew. If the narcissist says they didn’t know their words or actions would hurt you, they did. Because they are focused on what they want they don’t care. OUCH!!! I know it sucks to hear (read) this. Let’s get some answers for you. Keep reading.
The Mask of Perfection
Many narcissists are known for their carefully constructed facades of looking and behaving like a “good person.” They carefully craft an image of perfection. Driven by an insatiable need for admiration and validation they will do whatever it takes to maintain their perfect image. Underneath this mask, lies a deeply fragile ego that is easily threatened. The reality of their imperfections and being found out haunts them continuously.
While they may not express regret in the conventional sense, their actions often stem from an inherent fear of being exposed or humiliated. Deep down, the narcissist regrets being unable to maintain their idealized image. Not because of what it will do to you but because of how it will affect them. In some circumstances, the narcissist will also regret you finding out and will not regret their words or actions.
Because narcissists are primarily focused on their needs, they are aware of how their words and actions will hurt you and choose to do it anyway. Narcissists will avoid regret by diving deeper into toxic behaviors. Lying, cheating, excessive drinking, spending frivolously, hiding, blaming, ignoring, stonewalling, silent treatments, and more are all failed attempts to continue to avoid responsibility, shame, and regrets.
Narcissism is on a spectrum
It’s important to mention covert narcissism. These types of narcissists are more likely to behave in a victim manner. They do not look like the general type of narcissist you might expect. All types of narcissists are dangerous. They are the type of person you would not suspect as being so vicious. When you deal with a covert narcissist you may find yourself questioning even more if they are really a bad person, and did they really mean to do whatever they did. This type of narcissist is more modest and milder-mannered. It is still very important to maintain healthy boundaries.
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FIND JOYDefense Mechanisms at Play
For a narcissist, the first line of defense against regret is denial. Admitting fault or acknowledging wrongdoing is contrary to their carefully constructed self-image. It doesn’t matter if it is to appear as perfect or the victim, it is calculated, controlled, and manipulative. They often resort to deflecting blame onto others, this is called projection. Narcissists deflect to avoid responsibility, shame, damage to their ego, and vulnerability.
Another defensive behavior is distorting reality. Statements like “I didn’t say that you didn’t hear that, or That didn’t happen are common.” When this happens, it makes you question your reality. This type of behavior is called gaslighting. Gaslighting and other manipulative behaviors increase your self-doubt.
Some narcissists will actively defend themselves from regret, and potential threats by minimizing. They do this by softening a situation that is of great importance to a lesser degree. They also maximize. Maximizing happens when the narcissist makes a small situation into something larger than necessary. By refusing to confront regret head-on, the narcissist shields their fragile ego. They do this to avoid accountability and the discomfort of acknowledging their flaws.
There are tons of narcissistic manipulations used to confuse victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse. You can learn more about them here.
The Fear of Abandonment
Beneath the narcissist’s complex behaviors is a persistent fear of abandonment. They rely heavily on others. Narcissists frequently manipulate and exploit people and relationships to serve their own needs. When narcissists are faced with the possibility of losing their sources of supply, a glimpse of regret may surface.
In those moments of vulnerability, the narcissist may experience a flicker of remorse but still, they focus on their best interest first. In cases of fear of abandonment, they are driven by the fear of being left alone. Having to deal with their true selves, responsibilities, and consequences is overwhelming to them.
Still DO NOT feel sorry for the narcissists. Feeling tenderness about the overwhelming feelings the narcissist is experiencing will be used against you by a narcissist. Do not let them manipulate you to the point you allow them to continue to harm, control, and take advantage of you. Narcissists must be willing to do their work to heal themselves. It is not your responsibility to heal them.
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GET THE DOWNLOADSThe Narcissist’s Fear of Losing Control is Constantly Present
Control is one of the cornerstones of a narcissist’s existence. They are experts at meticulously orchestrating their surroundings, and their narrative to suit their needs. When faced with unexpected circumstances or the consequences of their own behavior, narcissists may find themselves grappling with regret momentarily. The loss of control can shatter their carefully constructed world. When the image they have carefully crafted shatters they may experience a moment of self-reflection and a potential glimpse of regret.
Superficial Apologies
When a narcissist does acknowledge their actions, it is often through superficial apologies. They may offer empty words and insincere gestures. Narcissists do this to maintain control and continue to manipulate you. They also do this to maintain their image and protect themselves. Their apologies lack genuine remorse and are devoid of self-reflection. The narcissist’s goal is not to repair their mistakes. They aim to protect their ego and salvage their image.
Rationalization and Justification
To manage regret, narcissists resort to rationalization and justification. They create elaborate and sometimes ridiculously unbelievable stories. Narcissists do this to convince themselves, you, and other people of why they took the actions they did, as a way to justify their behavior. By doing this they believe they can preserve their inflated self-worth and shield themselves from the true weight of regret.
Lastly, regret is a formidable emotion that challenges even the most self-aware individuals. For narcissists, the management and processing of regret are significantly different. Their self-defense mechanisms of avoidance of responsibility, and superficial apologies act as shields against genuine self-reflection and regret. As you continue your healing journey remember that narcissists must do their work. Another person’s trauma does not excuse their poor treatment of you. True growth and healing can occur when a person confronts their regrets with humility and a consistent commitment to change.
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