“When will I get over my narcissistic ex?” This is one of the top questions I’m asked as a counselor who helps survivors of narcissistic abuse heal. The short answer is it will take time. This is usually where people get kind of pissed because they want the pain to stop right now. Getting to a place of closure, especially if you feel like you are still in love with your ex is difficult but possible. Maybe you aren’t in love anymore, but you are still deeply hurt by what happened in the relationship. No matter what, you can get over your narcissistic ex. There are steps to overcoming the pain caused by your narcissistic ex, this post will show you how.
The truth is you simply don’t just get over it. You process the different stages of grief. Getting to a place of closure about what you experienced with your narcissistic ex is a series of highs and lows, kinda like a roller coaster.
Focus on Your Healing
Being with a narcissist is complicated. You may have felt overwhelmed, stressed out, lost, and confused a lot of the time. Typically, your best times were at the beginning of their relationship before they felt comfortable showing you all of themselves. Instead of focusing all of your attention on pouring compassion, kindness, and love into the narcissist give yourself all of those exact same acts of kindness. Be gentle with yourself as you process the different experiences and emotions. Nurture yourself as you heal.
Evaluate the Quality of The Relationship
Evaluating the quality of the relationship for what it truly is will help you to process what you experienced with your narcissistic ex. Recognizing the true qualities of the relationship and seeing the narcissist for who they truly are, not who they pretended to be in your life is very important.
When you love someone, it is easy to see all of the wonderful, fluffy, fuzzy traits the person has that you enjoy. It is easy for you to dismiss, excuse, and bypass the red flags. Movies, songs, social media, and society in general romanticize the difficulties of relationships. Because so many people think relationships are hard, they miss the warning signs. You may have accepted when your boundaries being disrespected. To make the relationship work you invest more than you have to give. Not wanting to see the relationship end made it harder to let go.
Question to help you evaluate the quality of your relationship.
- How did your ex add to your life consistently?
- In what ways did your ex contribute to your mental health?
- Did your ex honor your boundaries consistently?
I have a full relationship evaluation tool in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bundle along with many other activities to help you process your pain and mend your heart.
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Imagine a future where the weight of overwhelm, exhaustion, and feeling powerless is lifted from your shoulders. Picture yourself living in a newfound clarity, cutting through the fog of confusion that once clouded your heart. Engaging in these activities you will find the strength to break free from the bonds of narcissistic trauma and step into a life filled with peace and joy.
GET THE DOWNLOADSGet to a Place of Acceptance
In the final stages of grief acceptance is the last step. Acceptance does not mean you like what has occurred, or that you agree. A healthy way to consider acceptance when getting over a narcissistic ex is to accept that the relationship was not healthy for you and had to end. If you must remain in contact because of children, religion, or other circumstances you can still come to a place of acceptance about the relationship. It might look a bit different, but it is still possible.
Acceptance means acknowledging your ex for who they truly are and not the potential or past person. Your version of acceptance can look like you accepting your ex will never change. Letting go of the hope that the relationship and connection to your ex could have been any different helps to close the chapter.
Connect With Your Support System
Being a narcissist sometimes causes people to isolate themselves. If you have lost connection with your family and friends reconnect with them. When you are isolated and alone it is very difficult to fight your way out of the grief caused by the narcissist. You have the power to choose what you share and what you do not share. Be cautious about connecting with your narcissistic ex’s family and friends. They may not be reliable sources of support.
Go to Counseling
Going to a professional counselor is a supportive way to get over your narcissistic ex. There will be parts of your experiences you do not want to share with your family and friends. Counseling is a safe space to share openly without judgment. Choose a counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Someone who has experience with trauma, betrayal trauma, and grief are bonuses. Make sure that you select someone who feels comfortable speaking with about your experiences. You can expect to learn coping skills and strategies to support you in your healing process. In counseling, you will be able to share what your experiences have been as well as your emotions.
Joy Waiting on the Other Side Healing from Narcissistic Abuse Book
Start your healing process from the pain caused by the person your heart loves the most. Find the clarity you need to stop heartache and confusion. Release yourself from the hurt caused by grief and betrayal. This book helps you explore your unique healing journey out of narcissistic abuse. It’s all the most talked about parts of the healing process for you to start healing now.
FIND JOYCreate Structure
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your life becomes chaotic and unstable. This is NOT because this is your natural way of being but because narcissists have an unstable nature. To support yourself as you heal from narcissistic abuse create a structure for yourself. Reestablish balance and order in your life. Set morning and evening routines to help center and ground yourself. Create magical mornings by doing things that set the foundation for a great day. Close out your evening with cozy gaming, journaling reflective moments, a cleansing shower, candles, and things to settle yourself down before you rest.
Practice Mindfulness
As a professional counselor who helps survivors of narcissistic abuse recovery, grief and trauma, I speak frequently about being present. There are so many moments of confusion and chaos with a narcissist it is easy to feel jumbled on the inside. You may find yourself ruminating over everything.
When you find yourself having racing thoughts or frustrated bring yourself back to the present moment. Focus on your senses. Take time to notice what you see, hear, taste, and touch.
Become more aware of the moment rather than the lofty what-if thoughts that break your concentration during the day and keep you up at night. If you are at work complete the task you are doing. Instead of drifting into the what-if thoughts, problem-solving for the relationship focus on doing the job. Of course, I know this is not easy it takes practice. Trust me when I say this, you will spend way more time than you want thinking about the narcissists’ behavior.
Explore What You Are Gaining
So much healing from narcissistic abuse speaks to what we lose, what is missing, and what is gone. Sure, you can spend the rest of your life thinking about what could have been, and at the same time you worked to come to a place of acceptance and get over your narcissistic ex it is important to consider what you gain. Create goals for yourself. This will give you a sense of purpose and direction for getting over your ex. Instead of focusing so much on what you have lost and what is gone, focus on what you also are gaining by no longer having the narcissist in your life. You can grab a copy of my games list as well as additional resources for healing and the narcissistic abuse recovery bundle.
Practice Setting Firm and Clear Boundaries
When you set firm and clear boundaries you establish your safety. You also increase your stability. Boundaries create a space for you to practice trusting yourself. After being with a narcissist your ability to trust your judgments decreases for some time. The boundaries help you to regain healthy control of your life. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse experience low confidence and self-esteem. They are not able to make decisions for themselves. Self-doubt stops them from moving forward. You may find yourself not feeling like yourself anymore. After going through so much with the narcissist these types of emotions and experiences are natural. Setting boundaries will help you to reclaim control of your life.
When I talk about setting boundaries, I also mean you setting boundaries for yourself. It is not healthy for you to allow yourself to go back into the narcissist’s life as well (reverse hoover.) A reverse hoover is when you find reasons to reach out to or contact the narcissist.
Go No Contact with Your Narcissistic Ex
No contact means no contact. No texting, emails, carrier pigeons, friends of friends, or fake accounts to communicate. If you are not able to go no contact, go low contact. Doing this allows you to process your experiences and emotions. If you want to gain clarity decrease narcissistic interactions.
When you are dealing with a narcissist is important to know it is not always over when it’s over. It is over when you stop it. In the narcissistic cycle of abuse, there is a stage called hoovering. This is where the narcissist will make attempts to suck you back into their life. Watch out for the Hoover!
So, to answer your question when will you get over your narcissistic ex it will happen in time. You must be willing to make every supportive effort to heal. Take your time and be patient with yourself. Practice the different steps shared above to help yourself.
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