Should I stay or should I go? This is the question you have probably asked yourself a million times. Your heart still longs for the beginning stages of the relationship, while your mind already knows it is not safe. Being with a narcissist is hard. When you finally leave the narcissist it is not easy either. It is natural to experience waves of emotions and thoughts about what to do before you finally decide to leave. Many survivors who decided to finally leave the narcissist felt mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted during the process.
As a professional counselor with personal and professional experience in narcissism and narcissistic abuse recovery I know this is not an easy decision. You can break free from suffering and become a survivor. You can heal from the trauma of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Here are some tips for deciding to finally leave a narcissist.
Acknowledge You Are in An Unhealthy Relationship
It is important to acknowledge the relationship is not healthy. This is painful but necessary. By acknowledging the relationship is not a safe space you can use this to motivate you. Use it to help support your decision to finally leave the narcissist. You must get to a place of acceptance about the quality of the relationship to heal. This means seeing the narcissist and the relationship for its true qualities. By doing this instead of seeing the two through the rose-colored glasses of hope and potential, you free yourself from the grips of the narcissist.
Part of acknowledging the qualities of the unhealthy relationship means becoming familiar with the signs of narcissistic abuse. Some examples of narcissistic abuse are gaslighting, manipulation, triangulation, shaming, and guilt tripping just to name a few.
Create a Safety Plan
It is very important to consider your safety when you finally leave the narcissist. Whenever a person decides to leave an unhealthy or toxic relationship it has the potential to be dangerous. Because violence and abuse come in many forms it is always important to consider your safety first. Creating a safety plan helps to protect you from additional violence and abuse. It is important to consider as many options for safety as possible for yourself. This means preparing for when you leave.
Come Up With An Exit Plan
The next step in your safety plan is your escape plan. Having a plan will make the process feel less overwhelming. It is natural to feel a lot of emotions during this time. You can also expect a lot of racing thoughts as you prepare to leave the narcissist.
When you are making your exit plan be able to answer the questions of where you will go, who are your supports, and what resources are available to you. Consider everything that you need to have your basic needs met.
To prevent additional danger, it is best to leave when the narcissist is not present. If you cannot leave when the narcissist is away consider who can and will be present during this time. This might mean having law enforcement, family, and friends present. Someone needs to be there if the narcissist is going to be there do not do this alone. Leaving a narcissist with no one present can be very dangerous. Even if the narcissist has never presented as an aggressive or violent person due to the narcissist losing control of you and because you are leaving they may act out in ways that you have never seen before.
You may also consider changing your phone number, email, and social media, and getting a restraining order (protective order.) although protective and restraining orders are an option do not solely rely on those methods as the foolproof way to protect yourself.
Be prepared to protect yourself. If you think the narcissist would never do (insert whatever outlandish thing to hurt, you) think again.
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GET THE DOWNLOADSSeek Professional Help
Consider seeing a therapist or counselor who can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies. Counseling will also allow you to work through the different stages of grief and betrayal trauma. It is common to also discuss areas of PTSD and C-PTSD. When being with or leaving a narcissist many survivors experience decreased levels of confidence, anxiety, and depression. It is very important to choose a counselor you feel comfortable with to discuss your personal experiences. Finding a counselor who specializes in narcissism, and narcissistic abuse recovery is a plus. This will support your healing experience.
You have to break the attachment you have to the narcissist. This means to finally leave the narcissist you must break the trauma bond. You can be emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually connected to the narcissist. Of course, there are additional ways you can be connected to the narcissist. The trauma bond is one of the main reasons people struggle to heal from narcissistic abuse. Staying trauma-bonded keeps you stuck. Even if you are not physically with the narcissist the trauma bond keeps you connected.
Go No Contact
Once you have left the narcissist, cut off all contact with them. You may struggle with going no contact. Although it is difficult it is still one of the best options for healing from narcissistic abuse. If you are not able to go no contact for any reason (children with the narcissist, unresolved financial commitments, etc.) Go low contact. Narcissists are known for their manipulation tactics. The narcissist’s manipulation paired with the trauma bond makes it difficult for you to leave. By becoming aware of the narcissistic cycle of abuse you will be more aware of the possible next steps of the narcissists.
Set Firm Boundaries
Setting clear and firm boundaries with the narcissist is a must for your recovery process. If you must remain in contact with the narcissist due to any reason setting clear and firm boundaries is important. Make sure you are aware of what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. This will help you establish a healthy level of control. If you have children only communicate about what is important for the children. Have one method of communication. Parenting apps for communication are very helpful.
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FIND JOYReach Out For Support
Connect to people in your support system. Reaching out to friends and family can help you feel less alone and more empowered. If you do not have a support system create one. You do not have to tell them every detail of your life. Share what you feel comfortable sharing. the additional parts of what you are experiencing can be shared with your counselor. many survivors expressed feeling concerned about the friends and family looking at them and the narcissist in a negative manner. this prevents them from opening up about what is happening. when you do not have a safe space to express and work through your experiences and emotions it increases isolation and loneliness.
Practice Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is essential when leaving a narcissist. Making sure you are taking the time to practice self-care is one of the best ways to support yourself. Healing from such a traumatic experience does take time. Narcissistic abuse affects you in every aspect of your life. There are mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and additional ways being with a narcissist brings you down. This is why it is so important for you to practice self-care throughout the process.
Remember, leaving a narcissist is not easy, but it is possible. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Even if you are not able to receive that from the narcissist, love, and respect are gifts you must give to yourself daily.
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