A trauma bond forms when your mind recognizes the relationship as toxic, yet your heart clings to hope. It is a mental and heart connection that creates an intense attachment between the person being abused and the abuser (narcissist.) This is one of the top reasons it is hard to leave a narcissistic relationship. Find out what it is and what to do to heal.
There are seven stages to the trauma bond. It overlaps with the narcissistic cycle of abuse. As the trauma bond is formed there are many elements of manipulation, abuse, and unhealthy attachments formed. This is one of the reasons it is hard to heal from narcissistic abuse. Seeking professional help is super important.
The trauma bond happens within intimate partner relationships, family, friendships, and work environments.
Trauma bonding risk factors include:
- People with childhood trauma
- People with unhealthy attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized
- People who are more likely to depend on others
- Highly empathetic individuals
- Individuals who struggle to set firm boundaries
- People who struggle with separation anxiety
- Individuals with past relationship difficulties
- People who have been in previous narcissistic relationships with or without knowing
- Individuals who struggle with low confidence and self-esteem concerns
It is important to mention almost everyone is exposed to forming a trauma bond. This speaks to people who are more likely at risk.
1. Love Bombing
The narcissist moves intensely and rapidly. They do this to obtain your attention and affection. Narcissists do this by showering you with compliments, and lavish gifts. Over-the-top gestures and actions to intensify the connection happen during this stage. This will also happen again in the hoovering stage of the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
Many survivors report feeling completely in awe of what they are experiencing during the love bombing stage. Feeling like they have never been seen so clearly, listened to so intensely, or loved so deeply happens during this stage.
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GET THE DOWNLOADS2. Trust and dependency
This is a critical point within the trauma bond. In this stage, the narcissist wants to encourage you to trust them. They need you to depend on them. Once the trust and dependency have been established it is easier for the narcissist to manipulate you. The narcissist wants you to rely on them for attention, validation, and love.
Many narcissists are fearful of abandonment. They also appreciate the validation, attention, and love you provide to them. Although they may not fully be able to receive your genuine efforts they do experience fleeting moments of comfort from this behavior as well.
This trust and dependency stage is where survivors say they felt very safe. The feeling of comfort and support made the connection with the narcissist intoxicating and addicting.
3. Criticism
Once the narcissist knows that you are connected they will start to criticize you. Like the devaluation stage in the narcissistic cycle of abuse the connection changes. The criticism may be subtle comments, jokes, and backhanded compliments.
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BUY NOW4. Gaslighting
In the gaslighting stage of the trauma bond, the narcissist begins behaving in a manner that makes you question your reality. This is where you begin to doubt yourself. You also start to doubt other aspects of your life. It becomes hard to trust yourself. This leaves you dependent on the narcissist. Without knowing it you become dependent on the narcissist for safety, information, and emotional regulation. This strengthens the trauma-bonded connection you have with the narcissist. It is common in this stage for victims to trust the narcissist more than they trust themselves.
5. Resigning to being controlled by the narcissist
It is likely for victims to experience a loss of control in their lives. Because the relationship started off so intensely, combined with the trust and dependency established the victim is more likely to resign control. The resignation of control happens in some or all areas of life. This is one of the many reasons victims struggle to make decisions.
Victims are more likely to dismiss the unhealthy elements within the relationship. This is where the narcissist begins to take more control over the relationship.
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6. Loss of self
Victims of narcissistic abuse who are trauma-bonded desperately want to return to the beginning stages of the relationship. In hopes of getting back to the beginning, they make unhealthy compromises. This is where they start to lose themselves. Dependency and unhealthy attachments have formed. The values and goals that were once important to the victim are no longer their top priority.
7. Addiction
The feeling of addiction sets in due to the continued highs and lows of the relationship. Like substance abuse, there is a continued desire to return to the most amazing high they experienced in the very beginning.
The love bombing you experienced in the beginning tricks you into believing the potential of the person that you first met is still there. You constantly cycle through the trauma bond and the narcissistic cycle of abuse. This is very difficult for one person to handle.
At a certain point, the narcissist is no longer your safe space but because they are familiar and you have experienced so many highs and lows with them you still feel the urge to be with them. It is agony. You are not at peace while you are with them and you feel anxious when you are not with them.
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