Being with a narcissist feels a lot like being on a rollercoaster. There are tons of ups and downs, twists and turns. Sometimes you lose your breath. Other times the bottom of your stomach drops out. The narcissistic cycle of abuse is one way to slow the rollercoaster down. Knowing where you are in the cycle will help you have a better understanding of what is happening. You will also know the possible next turn to expect along the way.
Idealization
The idealization stage, sometimes called the honeymoon stag,e is where the narcissist puts you on a pedestal. It’s intoxicating, consuming, and exciting. The idealization stage has lots of feel-good vibes flowing. It’s full of hope, and endless possibilities.
Behaviors during the idealization stage
- Overstepping boundaries
- Love bombing (elaborate gifts, trips, and dates)
- Intense physical intimacy
- Talking about marriage, or getting married quickly
- Talking about having children very soon
- Discussing future plans
- Twin flame (extreme closeness and connectivity like you have never felt with anyone else)
- Over-the-top gestures of appreciation, acknowledgment, and gratitude
- Intense attention,
- preoccupying a lot of your time
- Frequently overindulgence of individual time with the person
- Feeling like you and the person are soul-mates after only a short period of knowing them.
Common feelings you will have during the idealization stage
- Happier than you’ve ever felt before
- Safe
- Secure
- Supported
- Cared for and protected
- Heard
- Ecstatic
- Intense emotion
- Validated
- Seen
- Like you’ve finally found the one.
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Devaluation
In the devaluation stage, the narcissist has lost interest in you. You are no longer the top priority of the narcissist. You have been dethroned and have lost your place of value to the narcissist. The narcissist’s true character begins to show. We are counselors who work with survivors of narcissistic abuse. Learn more about the cycle of narcissistic abuse here.
Behaviors during the devaluation stage
- Physical and emotional abuse
- Poor communication
- Triangulation
- Increased violation of boundaries
- The silent treatment (stonewalling)
- Insults and criticism
- Gaslighting
- Physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy withholding.
Common feelings you will have during the devaluation stage
- Lost
- Emptiness
- Confused
- Guilt
- Lonely
- Inadequate
- Hopelessness
- Unsure
- Insecure
- Doubt
- Questioning (what’s real, do they love me)
- Embarrassment
- Shame.
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Discard
In the discard stage, the narcissist ends the connection with you. The narcissist no longer has a use for you, so they discard you. The narcissist may have found a new source of supply or target of interest. The discard may be abrupt, ghosting, or a gradual withdrawal.
Behaviors during the discard stage
- Projection
- Gaslighting, rejection of your reality
- Intense anger, and rage
- They will block you on everything
- Lying
- Rejection
- Invalidation of your feelings
- No concern or regard for your best interest
- Victim blaming
- Presenting as they (the narcissist) are the victim
- Blame-shifting
- The relationship ends abruptly or gradually, permanently
- Temporarily ending the relationship, leading into the hoover stage.
Common feelings you will have during the discard stage
- Anxious
- Shock
- Embarrassed
- Scared
- Unworthy
- Discarded
- Guilt
- Confused
- Depressed
- Betrayed
- Grief
- Rejection
- Traumatized
- Upset
- Shame
- Anger
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Hoover
In the hoover stage, the narcissist tries to suck you back into their grasp. You will see a glimpse of the person you were once connected to in the very beginning. At this stage, the narcissist attempts to start the narcissistic cycle of abuse all over again.
Behaviors of the narcissist during the hoover stage
- Guilt-tripping
- Crying
- Blame-shifting
- Promising to change
- Willingness to do everything you want to make it work
- Expresses a desire to go to counseling
- Begging, pleading
- Using past trauma as an excuse to justify their actions
- Sharing previous abuse as a reason why they have behaved in the way they have
- Expressing they don’t remember things they said or did during the cycle of abuse
- Making all the changes you previously requested.
- Wanting you both to apologize for the dissolution of the connection between you and them.
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Common feelings you will have during the hoover
- Hopefulness
- Apprehensiveness
- Connected
- Hesitant
- Excited
- Renewed
- As if the relationship is being restored
- Willingness to explore possibilities but nervous about reconnecting.
This is also where the return to the trauma bond is strengthened and reinforced.
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How being with a narcissist changes your life
Being with a narcissistic person makes life very challenging. Continued moments of confusion, anxiety, grief, and depression sprinkled with a mix of a million other thoughts are colliding as you are trying to make sense of what is happening in your life.
Common Results of being with a narcissist
- Low self-esteem, self-confidence
- Post-Traumatic Disorder PTSD
- Increase self-doubt
- Sleep difficulties
- Changes in eating habits
- Trauma bonded
- Increased levels of stress
- Inability to trust
- Complex Post-Traumatic Disorder
- Withdraw from things you love, your true self, support system and etc.
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