Cheating is a betrayal that cuts deep. It leaves scars on both the victim and the others involved. Narcissists’ behaviors and emotional detachment often leave their partners questioning whether they truly feel regret and remorse about cheating.
I’ll start by saying not all narcissists cheat, and cheating is still a narcissistic act. The topic of cheating is complex, painful, and very difficult to talk about for many people. It’s especially complicated when it comes to understanding narcissists cheating. In this blog post, you will find out the difficult truth do narcissists regret cheating?
I have worked with thousands of victims and survivors from various forms of life. In my time helping people who have experienced narcissistic abuse, many questions come up in session. Does the narcissist regret cheating is at the top of the list? This is quickly followed by Do they (the narcissist) know what they are doing? I’ll save that for a different day, and different blog posts. Quick note, I talk about it in my book.
Because of the unique nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is characterized by a lack of empathy, entitlement, superficiality, chronic seeking of validation/attention, and a self-focused nature many narcissists struggle with being able to experience regret. They are more concerned about their feelings, interests, needs, image, and reputation. The need for narcissists to protect their own best interests overshadows feelings of regret.
Narcissist Regret Getting Caught
As a counselor who typically works with the victims of survivors of narcissistic abuse, betrayal trauma, and grief, I also have the opportunity to work directly with narcissists. One of the few regrets that narcissists have about cheating is getting caught.
I bet that takes the wind right out of your sails. It is difficult to read this, and it is true. A lot of times the narcissist will admit they know what they did was wrong, and would cause the victim/survivor a lot of pain but they did it anyway. The flip side is the narcissist will know what they did was wrong and they will find ways to justify their behavior and not admit fault. At the same time, it is hard for them not to give in to their desires and interests and therefore they cheat.
Some narcissists have shared how they know what they did was wrong but still quickly excuse and minimize their actions. Statements like “I wish it didn’t happen; I didn’t want to hurt them, but I knew they couldn’t find out. If they didn’t know anything no one would be hurt.
Let me translate what this really means for you. If I hid the cheating better, I would not have been caught, no one would have known, and I could have kept doing what I was doing without any regrets.
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It is Difficult for Narcissists to Have Regret When They Feel Justified
Rationalization and blame-shifting are two major points that make regret for cheating difficult. Yes, narcissists know their behavior is unacceptable. They will do it anyway. In many situations people find out about infidelity they are not always told. I can’t tell you how many Smartwatches, phone notifications, and random DM’s from strangers have revealed the heartbreaking reality of a cheating partner.
The very fact that narcissists hid the truth demonstrates that they knew what they were doing. Even with the knowledge of knowing their behavior was hurtful the narcissist still chose to behave.
Knowing and doing are two different things. The narcissists know cheating is unacceptable and still their self-serving nature is what controls their behavior. Their desire to do what they want for themselves is stronger than their will to protect the person who has placed their trust in them. Narcissists will try to justify cheating instead of facing regret.
Instead of accepting responsibility for their actions, narcissists tend to rationalize and shift blame onto their partners. They will twist the narrative to justify their actions. Narcissists will convince themselves their partner’s inadequacies warrant their cheating. Narcissists will blame-shift to avoid accountability. The justifications used by narcissists to defend their behavior typically only make sense to them.
I’ve heard all kinds of RIDICULOUS justifications to excuse and minimize the toxic behavior. Examples such as of their partner buying the wrong type of air fryer, giving the dog too much attention, and not making their favorite tacos for reasons to rationalize their cheating. Narcissists attempt to justify their actions to avoid responsibility and consequences.
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A Lack of Genuine Empathy Does Not Exist for Narcissists
Narcissists are notorious for their lack of genuine empathy. They may be able to acknowledge what they have done is wrong, but they do not feel regret about doing it. Empathy is difficult for narcissists to understand. Narcissists find it challenging to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.
Many times, the consequences of their actions can only be considered and processed after the betrayal has occurred. Even then some narcissists see the error of their ways, but they do not change their behavior moving forward positively. Some narcissists will change to get better at hiding and manipulating.
When narcissists cheat, their focus remains on their desires and impulses. Their self-focused mission makes regret for cheating highly unlikely for them. Narcissist ability to feel genuine regret and remorse for the pain they’ve caused their partner is fleeting.
Ouch. I know it stings to read this and think they did it, they knew, and they don’t even feel super bad about it.
Do not be fooled by the hoovering statements of “I want my family back. “I’m sorry for everything, and I’ll do whatever it takes.” Narcissists knew what they were doing when they did it.
If Narcissists Feel Regret, It is Momentarily
For some narcissists, the excitement and thrill of getting away with something is more exciting than the consequences of getting caught. This is enough for some narcissists to forget about any potential remorse or regret. Additionally, because narcissists primarily focus on their wants and needs, they will not think about the consequences of their actions until after the fact. Rather than learn from the error of their ways and improve, narcissists find better ways to cheat and not get caught.
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GET THE DOWNLOADSExternal Validation and Ego Protection Prevent Regret
Narcissists need external validation like they need oxygen to breathe. They thrive on admiration and attention from others. Cheating provides them with an ego boost. It reaffirms their desirability and power to attract new partners. Regretting cheating would require the narcissists to acknowledge they caused pain to someone they may view as inferior or less important. The regret clashes with what they want.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse Is Real
In the cycle of narcissistic abuse, the opportunity for the narcissist to experience full levels of regret is momentary. Many times, the victims of narcissistic abuse struggle to process the pain caused by the betrayal and trauma of cheating the cycle of narcissistic abuse continues.
In a toxic relationship when the cycle of narcissistic abuse returns to a hoovering and idealization stage avoidance of any type of potential regrets is missed by narcissists. As long as the cycle of narcissistic abuse continues the relationship progresses and the idealized image fades, the narcissist may become dissatisfied and seek new sources of validation, continuing the cycle, and leaving little to no room for genuine regret.
Narcissists Struggle With Immaturity
Because of the emotionally underdeveloped nature of narcissists, they struggle to process experiences and emotions correctly. Their high levels of immaturity and their lack of ability to understand the complexity of emotions and their impact on others make it hard for them to regret. Their emotional and mental blind spots prevent them from experiencing deep remorse for cheating. They fail to grasp the depth of the pain they’ve caused.
Here’s an example imagine your friend Joe cheats in a game and gets caught. Joe feels regret, but not for hurting others. Their regret is mostly about getting caught and how it affects them, not for the wrong they did. It’s like being upset about being in trouble rather than feeling genuinely sorry for hurting someone else.
Focus on Your Recovery Instead of the Narcissist Regret
Narcissists find it hard to understand and care about other people’s feelings. It is important to protect yourself. Instead of dwelling on the hope for regret and remorse from the narcissist prioritize your healing and well-being. Recognizing the traits of narcissism and understanding that the fault lies with the narcissist, not the victim, is crucial. Seeking support through counseling and connecting with a support system is important. Remember, you are worthy of joy, respect, genuine love, and peace.
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