If you have had ANY dealings with a narcissist, it is fair to say you have had moments of confusion, manipulation, heartache, and heartbreak. Narcissists’ insatiable needs create chaos. If you are trying to become a survivor of narcissistic abuse you can expect to find yourself experiencing ruminating thoughts, feeling trapped, and questioning everything. Early mornings are difficult and sleeping at night is almost impossible. Forget trying to stay focused on anything. You are stuck, trying to make sense of a time in life that does not make sense.
The intense emotional connection you had with the narcissist was real or at least it felt real on your part. Deep down on the inside you still miss the narcissist. You can’t help but ask yourself this one question, does the narcissist miss me? In this blog, we explore the painful truth and answer the question does the narcissist miss you?
Let me start by saying it is natural for you to miss the narcissist. You showed up open to a meaningful connection with a willing heart. The trust you gave them was genuine and you had the best intentions. Do not shame or guilt yourself into feeling bad because someone you trusted did not return the same efforts.
The Fake Connection
Narcissists excel at creating an illusion. They fake deep connection, intimacy, and love. They are dangerously skilled at mirroring their victims’ desires, mirroring their values, and preferences. In the beginning, the narcissist made you feel seen and understood. This connection is merely a front, to gain control and feed their selfish needs.
Narcissist Miss Your Supply
Narcissists require a constant stream of attention, admiration, and validation, this is also known as supply. You may have found yourself being very caring and considerate of the narcissist’s needs. You provided an abundance of supply, and they took advantage of all of it.
When victims finally break free from suffering and become survivors the narcissist experiences a devastating loss. It is important to note what narcissist truly misses is the source of their needs being met and not the supplier (you.) The loss of supply hurts the narcissist more.
The narcissist misses your supply. The narcissist does not miss you. I know this is hard to read. The pain of processing your emotions and experiences is important. Be gentle with yourself as you heal.
By accepting this fact, you will be able to protect yourself from further manipulations from the narcissist. If and when the narcissist tries to hoover you (suck, you back) into their life they may use statements such as “I miss you.” Do not fall for it.
Let me translate a few common statements for you.
“I miss you.” translates to “I miss what you could do for me.”
“I miss the old you.” translates to “I miss how I benefited from you not knowing the truth.”
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Narcissists Miss Your Empathy
Having empathy is an essential human emotion for living well. Empathy allows us to understand and connect with people on a deeper level. Sadly, genuine empathy is not a trait narcissists possess. They are motivated by self-interest. Narcissists cannot truly miss you because their own needs and desires cloud their judgment.
They miss the way you felt about them. Narcissists like the praise, compliments, warm fuzzy feelings of validation, sprinkles of positivity, and every other way you provided them with what they needed.
Narcissists Experience Superficial Loss
When you finally decide you have had enough, or the narcissist has discarded you, the loss they experience is only on the surface level. Interactions with narcissists are transactional. Everything that you do comes at a cost and there is an exchange. You are always being cheated even when you feel like you are gaining something when it comes to anything with a narcissist.
Narcissists focus on a “what’s in it for me mindset.” Their self-focused way of living makes it difficult for them to fully experience the full depths of loss. Narcissist struggle to feel remorseful for the pain they have caused their victims. Yes, narcissists know what they have done or said is hurtful or harmful. They tend to make excuses, avoid, justify, and ignore any type of negative consequences caused by them.
The Narcissist Misses Your Attention
Narcissists crave constant attention and admiration from others. Many want to have their needs met first. They will do whatever it takes to get what they want out of you or any situation.
Some narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance. They have a false sense of superiority. They will often exaggerate their achievements and talents. They want to be looked upon favorably, so they create a fake image or persona.
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GET THE DOWNLOADSThe Narcissist Misses the Way You Used to Look at Them
Before the narcissist’s manipulative behaviors became so outrageous you probably looked at them with stars in your eyes. You had no idea they would become the monster that you have come to know. This is a part of betrayal trauma.
The narcissist misses you looking at them with admiration and respect. For some narcissists image and appearance is very important to them. They care so much about how people view them that they will do whatever it takes to maintain a “perfect” image.
The narcissists will go to great lengths to maintain a polished and impressive outward appearance. On the inside, they know who they really are, and you know too. This is another reason that the discard phase of the cycle of narcissistic abuse happens. The narcissist can no longer maintain this perfect image so to avoid shame and accountability they discard you.
The Narcissist Misses Your Flattery
How do you flatter a monster? You don’t do it run! Narcissists love to be complimented and praised. Their insatiable need for validation and approval motivates them constantly. When you no longer see the narcissist as a great person, they miss your flattery. They can feel the shift in how you interact with them. The narcissist knows something is different, but they are not willing to do the work it would take to change.
The kind words, praise, and compliments are hard to give when your soul is being crushed frequently. Although narcissistic behavior is one of the major reasons the connection has changed, they still miss your flattery. They want you to still look at them in the most positive way even when they have done and said the most outrageous actions and behaviors.
Narcissists will use minimizing statements such as
- “You need to get over it already.”
- “That happened a long time ago.”
- “You keep bringing up the past.”
- “It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- The narcissist will do or say something hurtful and later act as if it never happened. They expect you to ignore or forget it and go back to normal.
The Narcissist Misses the Power and Control
Narcissists have a strong desire for power and control. They experience joy from manipulating people. They use various manipulation tactics to get what they want and to maintain a position of power. They strive to control everything they can to protect their own best interest. When the relationship ends, the narcissist doesn’t miss you; they miss the power and control they had over you.
The narcissist knows you are changing when you no longer get emotional about their behaviors. This is a warning sign to them that they are losing control. Be prepared for a possible hoover. The narcissist may try to pull you back into the mental maze and emotional rollercoaster of being with them.
The Narcissist Misses Being Able to Use You
Narcissists are highly exploitative. They often manipulate others for their gain. They use lies, deception, tricks, and charm to get what they want from you. They disregard the feelings or well-being of others. The narcissist misses what you did for them.
Narcissists are huge boundary violators, and they hate boundaries. They will often disregard boundaries. Some narcissists intrude on conversations, manipulate situations, or impose their opinions and demands without considering your or anyone else’s needs or preferences.
When narcissists cannot overstep your boundaries, they miss being able to use and benefit from you.
If you are not careful narcissists will use you mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually, for living arrangements, stability, and more.
The Narcissist Misses You Doing All the Work
Being with a narcissist is exhausting. They lack accountability. Narcissists often avoid taking responsibility for their actions and behaviors. They want you to do all the heavy lifting. When you do all the work it makes life for the narcissist easy.
This is another reason why if the narcissist discards you or you discard the narcissist they tend to move on quickly. They need to feel the space they once occupied. You make their life easy, so they need someone else to pick up the slack. When you try to hold a narcissist accountable, they will blame shift, make excuses, deny any wrongdoing, and a ton of other manipulative behaviors. Narcissists avoid accountability to protect their self-image and avoid facing consequences.
While it is natural for survivors of narcissistic abuse to question whether the narcissist misses them, the painful truth is that narcissists do not truly miss their victims. Narcissists are motivated by self-interest, and a need for power and control, rather than genuine emotional connection. Understanding this can help you in your healing process.
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