When the narcissist tries to drown you in their manipulation go D.E.E.P. a technique created by Dr. Ramani. It helps to use this method in all forms of communication (face-to-face interaction, texts, phone calls, and emails.)
It is hard to understand why narcissists behave in the way they do. The truth is you may never fully understand their actions. At this point it is not about making sense of something that will never make sense, it’s about survival.
The manipulation of a narcissist comes in many forms. Examples of this are criticizing you, gaslighting, blaming, and using sarcasm. The narcissist will do all the behaviors they know will agitate you on purpose. Being connected to a narcissist for a period of time increases the possibility of you experiencing narcissistic abuse.
Don’t Defend
This happens a lot when you are being gaslighted. If the narcissist is projecting onto you or raging out at you. Naturally, you are going to want to defend yourself. The narcissist is not going to hear you and not care about what you are sharing. Reserve your energy. Do not spend your efforts trying to convince someone who does not want to understand you.
Action Steps for Not Defending
- Recognize the Trigger: When you feel the urge to defend yourself against accusations or projections, pause and recognize this as a trigger. It is difficult to but remember you do not have to defend your truth to the narcissist. Hold onto your truth for yourself.
- Conserve Your Energy: Remind yourself that engaging in defense will likely drain you without changing the outcome.
- Practice Silent Acknowledgment: Instead of vocalizing your defense, acknowledge your feelings and the situation internally without outwardly defending yourself.
Don’t Engage
Remember narcissists are perpetually miserable they are going to flip everything you have done and said and flip it back to you being wrong. This leaves you again wanting to respond to them.
Let go of the hopes of them ever understanding you because they will not and they do not want to try. They are self-focused, which makes it all about them even if it is not. Know your truth and then do not go there. Do not get into text battles. It is not worth it. You will find yourself more upset and uneasy after the exchanges.
Do not engage in interactions with the narcissist. This is where you apply the grey rock technique with the narcissist. Do not put up a fight with their mind manipulations. If you must engage be minimal and to the point.
Action Steps for Not Engaging
- Identify Engagement Traps: Be aware of situations and topics that typically lead to unproductive engagements with the narcissist.
- Implement the Grey Rock Method: Make yourself emotionally uninteresting to the narcissist by offering minimal, non-engaging responses.
- Avoid Digital Battles: Choose not to respond to provocative texts or emails. If a response is absolutely necessary, keep it brief and factual.
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Do not spend your time trying to share your thoughts and opinions with the narcissist as they do not care. Explaining your point of view, or how they hurt you, your perspective on anything that does not validate and add value to their life will be ignored.
Do not explain yourself to the narcissist. Protect your peace by not going into heavy discussions with someone who does not have the willingness to see a world outside of themselves.
Action Steps for Not Explaining
- Hold Your Truth: Recognize your experiences and feelings are valid, even if the narcissist dismisses them.
- Protect Your Peace: Before sharing something with the narcissist, ask yourself, “Will this serve my peace?” If not, choose to remain silent on the matter. *Your silence does not mean you agree it’s a way to protect yourself.
- Redirect Your Energy: Focus on conversations and relationships where your thoughts and feelings are valued and heard.
Don’t Personalize
This is a hard one I know. How do you not take something like how the narcissist is behaving not personally when it is personally happening to you? Remember the narcissist is not for you. Remove the self-blaming parts that you sometimes
Their responses, and behaviors, are all about them. Since it’s their issue leave it with them. Free yourself up from trying to interact with someone who cannot fully grasp the full picture.
Action Step for Not Personalizing
- Shift Your Perspective: Understand the narcissist’s behavior is a reflection of their issues, NOT your worth.
- Detach with Compassion: Practice viewing the narcissist’s actions from a place of detached compassion, recognizing their behavior is due to their limitations, NOT yours.
- Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities and surround yourself with people who reinforce your values and foster positive self-regard.
WARNING: Use this technique with caution. Do not provoke the narcissist. Keep your conversations brief and factual. Monitor your tone and body language.
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