Why does the narcissist hate me? If you have ever asked this question about the narcissist in your life, you are not alone. Many victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse long for the answer to this question. There are several reasons why narcissists hate their victims, guess what it’s not what you think.

In your journey towards healing and narcissistic abuse recovery, gain clarity and closure about why narcissists hate their victims.

Unmasking the Narcissist’s Hatred

There is so much talk about narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) that sometimes the word is misused. In this context, we are discussing more than someone who is focused on their looks and appearance. The twisted cocktail of limited empathy, need for admiration, validation, exploitation of others and manipulative nature are only scratching the surface of what NPD is all about.

Narcissists live in a Self-Centered Universe

Narcissist hate is powered by wanting to be the master of their own universe. They want to be the master of your universe too. Their inability to see beyond what they want makes life very difficult for them, and everyone around the narcissist. They are laser-focused on getting what they want at all costs.

When a victim or survivor takes the focus off the narcissist’s needs they become very agitated. Narcissists live in a “me-first mindset.” Not having their needs met is not an option for them. Anything or anyone that prevents the narcissist from obtaining what they want becomes an enemy.

You Are a Reminder

Narcissists may act delusional, but they know what they are doing. You are a reminder of who the narcissist is in real life, not the fake world and image they create. No matter what carefully curated falseness they present to the world the narcissist knows the truth. When you try to confront a narcissist about issues they will hate it. If you ask a question, they will become frustrated. They do not want to resolve conflict.

Narcissists’ deeply rooted issues control a lot of their behaviors and decisions. Their shortcomings and poor behavior may be exposed so they become threatened.

Processes will work to avoid shame and accountability no matter what. When you address an issue with them, they are reminded of their true character, which annoys them. Narcissists will attack instead of addressing the issues at hand.

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They Hate Boundaries

As you continue your narcissistic abuse recovery journey the narcissist will hate it when you set boundaries. Narcissists see boundaries as limitations. They want to be the ones calling the shots and setting the limits. Narcs want full access to you in every way. They will NOT give you full access to them. When you establish a clear and firm boundary it is healthy for you. The narcissist will hate it.

They see boundaries as control. Narcissists hate being told what to do. They also hate being told what not to do. They are perfectly okay with telling victims and survivors what to do.

Narcissists operate using a double standard. Whatever they do is acceptable, if you do the same action, they will have a problem. Their behavior is okay for them to do but the victim or survivor cannot do it.

Narcissist Hate Not Getting Their Way

Narcissists are very crafty manipulators. They may use their previous trauma as an excuse for their actions. Their previous trauma is used to justify their toxic behaviors. Some narcissists share difficult traumatic experiences to manipulate their victims into doing whatever they want. As long as the narcissist is receiving what they want it is fine. When they are not getting their way, they become agitated.

Narcissists do not care. They deliberately choices that impact the lives of others with little to no consideration. Narcissists are focused on their best interests first. Even when it seems like they are concerned about their victims they are not. Narcs. are primarily focused on themselves.

When they do not get their way, they will have adult temper tantrums. You might notice different types of manipulations such as gaslighting, silent treatment, lying, DARVO, guilting tripping, shaming, physical intimidation, blaming shifting, and more.

They Have a False Sense of Importance

The grandiose nature of narcissism has led to high levels of entitlement. They see themselves as superior, right, and deserving of special treatment. When they do not receive special treatment, they become upset. Any perceived obstacle provokes a visceral reaction. The more passive-aggressive, covert (vulnerable) narcissist will still respond in a not-so-nice manner sooner rather than later.  

The narcissist’s false sense of importance encourages them to react. Even if you are not doing anything but they think you are doing something to prevent them from doing what they want they become upset. Their hypersensitivity and paranoia make it difficult to navigate relationships with them.

When a narcissist is not being seen in the inflated, exaggerated way they want to be viewed by others they do not like it. They care a lot about how they are perceived by others. When this is not happening some sulk, others pout and some lash out for more attention.

If you care about how other people view you, that doesn’t directly make you a narcissist. If how you are viewed by others is a primary concern that controls your life it is time to consider going to counseling. Also, if you have dealt or are dealing with a narcissist it is beneficial to go to counseling.

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Narcissist Hate Being Held Accountable

Narcissists look for someone else to blame. They avoid accountability at every opportunity. From the narc’s point of view, the problems are never their fault. Whatever the problem is they are not responsible.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often become the narcissist’s scapegoats. Any challenges the narcissist experiences are the result of the other person. In the narcissist’s eyes, the victim’s very existence is a problem to the narcissist, UNLESS they are serving the needs of the narcissist.

What needs? Let me tell you. Narc. needs such as support, finances, attention, sexual, validation, help to maintain their image of appearing acceptable to others, becoming the person they blame for their issues, a place to stay, food, and anything else the narcissist needs.

Avoiding responsibility allows the narcissist to shift their hatred to anything but themselves. Narcissists do not want to own their mistakes. Taking ownership of anything that is not dazzling and sparkly is uncomfortable for them. Hating the person is easier for them. Facing their own issues is a nightmare, and they will avoid it.

Narcissist Hate is Fueled by Insecurity

No matter how amazing narcissists try to appear to the outside world inside they are deeply insecure. This intense lack of confidence makes them more defensive. Narcissists do not really believe their own hype. They know who they are, and they hope other people never find out.

Although some narcissists appear like they like themselves it’s fake. Their insecurities control a lot of their decisions and actions. To avoid the discomfort of confronting their issues they will deflect the negativity to the victims and survivors. Although very few narcissists will admit it, they know they have issues that are not being resolved. Instead of taking brave steps to improve their life, they hurt other people.

You are NOT responsible for being the narcissist’s confidence. Their trauma is not your responsibility to heal.

The Narcissists Hate Their Victim’s Genuineness

Narcissists frequently wear a mask. This is also why you didn’t see their true character at the beginning of your connection. This same type of behavior happens when the narcissist is a parent, friend, co-worker, boss, organization, or institution. You might have had moments when the connection did not seem so bad but overall, there was still a steady undercurrent of discomfort.

They hate the fact that victims and survivors (you) can be your true self. The narcissist constantly works to do image and damage control. They are FREAKING TIRED. It’s a lot of work being a fake person the majority of the time.

Think about it. They don’t like themselves; they don’t like you. They pretend to be someone they are not to everyone and sometimes even themselves. Narcissists tend to be paranoid, anxious, uneasy, and easily agitated. A lot of work goes into being someone you are not.

Imagine being a different person at work, in the community, in their family, and then a different person at home. It’s all exhausting.

When victims and survivors show up as their true selves it highlights the inadequacies of the narcissist. They hate that you are your true self. You can feel real emotions and have a genuine connection. You are not wearing a mask and hiding who you are from the world.

Their Hate is Harbored in Avoidance of Shame

No matter what the narcissist says, or does they know who they are and what they are about. Narcissists work to avoid shame against all odds. If you address an issue with them the possibility of being held accountable threatens them. Some narcissists will rage out in anger. Others will passively aggressively seek revenge. Narcissists burrow down in their self-righteous behaviors even if they know they are wrong. They will deny the truth even when you have evidence to prove you are correct.

Being seen for who they truly are instead of the fake person they are pretending to be is something they hate. Narcissists do not want to be found out. They hate shame. They will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and do whatever it takes to avoid shame.

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Narcissist Hate They Cannot Control You

As victims and survivors gain more clarity, confidence, courage, and closure they cannot be controlled by the narcissist. This upsets the narcissist very much. Narcissists tend to engage in the cycle of narcissistic abuse. The toxic, manipulative cycle makes it hard for victims.

As the trauma bond is broken the victim becomes a survivor. The narcissist hates it. This means the narcissist will no longer be able to control the victim. Not being able to hold the victim down upsets the narcissist.

Narcissists like their victims being dominated by their manipulative actions. It gives them a false sense of control and power. When narcissists lose control, they hate it.  

Your Path to Healing Begins With You  

Instead of focusing on why the narcissist hates you, focus on loving yourself. To the victims and survivors who have experienced hatred from narcissists remember the narcissistic behavior is not a reflection of you. The narcissist’s twisted darkness is their issue to resolve. Focus on your healing and narcissistic abuse recovery for yourself.

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